Let me provide a brief explanation.

A colleague and myself,
after being exposed to a constant barrage of examples of stupidity, determined that what was happening in corporate america and beyond, was that all the ties that were being worn by a large number of people,
were cutting off circulation of blood
to the brain.

This in turn was causing a very large number of brain cells to die.
After such large quantities of brain cells die, all that is left is,

"Management Material".

I know, some of you will say, "yes, that makes sense. I see examples myself everyday, But it doesn't explain all the cases".

To this I say, "you're right".
Some people are just born stupid,
and then just get dumber
as the years go by.

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The examples on this page were contributed by my friend,
"Don Mossman"
Bass Player, Guitar Player, and Vocalist extraordinarie.

Thanks Don

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The Bands:

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Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

What I need is a list of specific
unknown problems we will encounter.

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used
to pass on information or data.

It should be used only for company business

(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important,
we can't let things that
are more important interfere with it.

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

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No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!

We've been working on it for months.

Now, go act busy for a few weeks
and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal
that only needed corrections.

She claimed the disk I gave her was
damaged and she couldn't edit it.

The disk I gave her was write-protected.

(CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss:

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

*** "How About Friday?" ***
--------------

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my Boss, he said, she died so that I would have
to miss work on the busiest day of the year.

He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.

He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem,

but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor,AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying:

"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued
today regarding the subject mentioned above."

(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on.

I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.

He said "If I wanted it tomorrow,
I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Speaking the Same Language:

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials.

In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned
the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee,
I was called into the HR director's office, and told that
the executive vice president wanted me out of the building
by lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand
for "perverts" (pedophile?) working in her company.

Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.

Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned.
In accordance with company policy,
I created my resignation memo by
pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

(Taco Bell Corporation)

To Contact Me

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Anyone out there with information on any of my subject matter,
feel free to send me additions and / or corrections.
The memory isn't what it used to be.
(If it ever was.)

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